


Cats. Fancy that!

by EdnaV



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crowley is Good at Being a Demon (Good Omens), Domestic Fluff, Fluff, M/M, No beta we fall like Crowley, Queerplatonic Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), except his ideas backfire, the point is: cats are the most powerful beings on earth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:00:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25539916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdnaV/pseuds/EdnaV
Summary: Crowley tells Aziraphale a story about cats.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 35
Collections: GO-DIWS Prompt Sprints





	Cats. Fancy that!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Aethelflaed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aethelflaed/gifts).



> For Aethelflaed, a queerplatonic ineffable relationship, with apologies for the historical inaccuracies. 
> 
> Started as a Do It With Style prompt sprint and expanded. The prompt was “kitten”.

“No, angel. It’s not mine. Someone left it behind. The old lady that you invited to leave because the bookshop was closing, yesterday at 2pm? It was _not_ my idea. Honestly...”

Aziraphale smiled in a very affectionate way, or at least as affectionate as possible for an angel who’s also glaring as if he were about to smite all the unrighteous in the Greater London Area.

Crowley glared in what he hoped it was a very demonic way. [1]

They were in the back room of the bookshop, and Aziraphale was holding a volume between his thumb and his index finger, as if it were something dirty, disgusting even, with an expression of utter contempt. In his six thousand years of book-loving existence, he had kept even a collection of Jeffrey Archer novels. But this tome was clearly too much even for the most ardent bibliophile in history.[2]

On the cover of the book there were six words: _Cat Fancy Contests: an Illustrated Guide._

“Crowley,” Aziraphale insisted. “You told me that domesticating cats was _your_ idea,” 

“Yes. My _idea._ I failed.” 

The demonic glare had been replaced by the pain of the worst defeat an occult being could possibly imagine.

The angelic glare wasn’t going anywhere.

Crowley knew that he had only one way out.

“Angel. You want the whole story?”

“Yes, please,” Aziraphale replied. 

Crowley sighed.

“So. Mesopotamia. Around that time when that stall in Uruk sold those dates-sugar-and-cinnamon sweets, do you remember...”

“I do. And don’t think that the memory of some dessert will distract me,” Aziraphale said, trying very hard not to think of dates, sugar, cinnamon, and all the combinations thereof.

Crowley resigned himself to move on with his tale.

“Anyway. I see these furry creatures, they keep the mice away, but they also have this tendency to alternate ‘I’m the softest fluffiest thing, cuddle me’ and ‘I’m a killing machine and I’ll rip your arm off’. Perfect to cause mayhem, right?”

“Yes, indeed. And how come you didn’t convince the humans to domesticate them?”

“I tried!” Crowley cried, exasperated. “I chat with a few people in the market square. I make a convincing speech too, really, one of my best. _‘Look, they’re a bit like dogs, but if you make them happy they’re going to_ vibrate _just for you, aren’t they simply adorable?’_ I tempt them. Well, I tempt them into _trying._ Because, guess what? Those furry bastards just go away every time someone tries to pick them up.”

“But humans _do_ keep them as pets...”

“Yes, because _the cats_ decided to follow _every single person who didn’t try to pick them up!_ Especially if someone was allergic -- and I’d like to remind you that allergies are one of Her ideas, not mine. Anyway, those _adorable_ creatures managed to cause more mayhem than I could ever imagine!”

There was a moment of silence. 

Aziraphale nodded and went to put the book on the shelf, mumbling something along the lines of “it makes sense, I suppose, knowing you, my dear,” and “maybe this time selling a book could be, I’m not saying a _good_ idea, but...”

When he came back to the back room, Crowley was still looking on the verge of tears. Aziraphale smiled, sat on the sofa, and beckoned to him. They sat for some time together, the demon’s head resting on the angel’s shoulder, and the angel’s hand carressing the demon’s back.

Eventually, Aziraphale couldn’t help himself.

“And what about the cat fancy contests?” he asked.

“Do you really think that anyone can convince them to _wear ribbons?”_

“You’re saying...”

“They did it all by themselves.”

Aziraphale was clearly baffled. 

“But why?”

“Do you want my theory?”

“Of course, dear.”

“They got bored, and decided to make their ‘owners’ fight each other for their own entertainment.”

Aziraphale thought about it for a moment. Then something clicked.

“Isn’t that what _you_ used to do?”

“Yes. To be fair... I think they stole that idea from me too. As independent contractors.”

Aziraphale just smiled in the most angelic way he could manage. [3]

“They seem quite the, if you pardon my language, _bastards,”_ he said.

“I’m sure that there’s a spark of goodness inside them too,” Crowley replied, finally smiling.

Aziraphale went on, casually. “We could try something... experimental, shall we say? Yes, an _experimental_ approach. To see if they’re worth liking.”

Crowley considered his options. There was only one. He had to put his foot down.

“Fine. But no ribbons.”

* * *

#### Footnotes

1. Aziraphale thought that it was partially demonic and absolutely endearing. But he knew better than to mention the latter.↩

2. This was not Aziraphale. Aziraphale was only the third-most-ardent bibliophile in history. The second one had been a curator at the Library of Alexandria. The most ardent bibliophile in history is Ms Helen Conway of Catford, South London, who every day brings tea and snacks to the lovely people who manage to keep the local library open despite the funding cuts.↩

3. Which was, to be fair, not very angelic.↩

**Author's Note:**

> I imagine Aziraphale and Crowley from the book in this one (with a shoutout to the Jeffrey Archer novels in the TV series, because I love that scene). And what about you, my esteemed reader?
> 
> Don't be shy, make me smile, leave a comment!


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